
Entered, according to Act of Congrew, in the yearlfr^ by G^oroe M. Bakkk, in the Office of the 
Librariaa of Consress, at WaBhiuKton. 



■ ^rj.O'0'0<^'Q^ooo'QjOKij(yooaaoo :2(jooaoaaQ-o Q^oc^oQ^ao/OQ^^rj 



=r 



() s. 



o 



SPENCER'S UNIVEHSAL STAGE. 



A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public 
or Private Performance. Containing a full description of all 
the necessary Stage Business, 



rjilCi:, 15 CENTS JEACH. ^= No Plays exchanged. 



O 



() 



11. 



l'->. 



3 13. 



()14. 



V> 15. 



I 17. 



XiOSt in Iiondon. A Drama in 
Tliree Acts. Male, 4 Female char- 
acters. 

I^'icholas Flam. A Comedy in Two 
Acts. By J. IJ. Buckstone. 5 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

The "IVelsli iiirl. A Comedy in 
One Act, IJy Mrs. Planche. 3 Male, 
2 Female characters. 

Joint Wopps. A Farce in One Act. 
By \y. E. Sutcr. 4 Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

Tlie Turkisli Katli. A Farce in 
One Act. By l\Iontague Williams 
and F. C. Buruaad. Male, 1 Fe- 
male cliaracter. 

Tlie Two Puildifoots. A Farce 
in One Act. By .1. ]M. Morton. 3 
3Iale, 3 Female characters. 

Old IFonesty. A Comic Drania in 
Two Acts. 15y J. M. IMorton. 6 
Male, „' Fem:ilo characters. 

Two Gentlemen lit a Fix. A 
Farce in One Act. By AV. E. Suter. 

2 Jfalc characters. 
SiiinsliLiii$;ton Cioit. A Farce in 

One Act. 'i5y T. J. Williams. 5 Male, 

3 Female characters. 

Two Heads Better ttianOne. A 
Fiirce in One Act, By Lenox Home. 

4 ^Male, 1 Female character. 

Jolin I>obbs. A Farce in One Act, 
Bv J. JI. iMortou. 6 Male, 2 Female 

characters. 

The I>aiighter of the Regi- 
ment. A Drama in Two Acts. By 
Edward Fitzball. C Male, 2 Female 
characters. 

Aunt Charlotte's Maid. A Farce 
ill One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 
IMale, 3 Female characters. 

Brother Bill and Me. A Farce in 
One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 
3 Female cliaracters. 

l>c;ne on Both Sides. A Farce in 
V.u Alt. By ,), M. Morton. 3 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

'■ .T?'unduek:etty's Picnic, A Farce 

in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 
-^ Male, 3 Female characters. 

I've -^vritten to Bro'ivne. A Farce 
in One Act. By T. J. Vvilliams. 4 
Male, 3 Female characters. 



18. Lending a Hand. A Farce in One 

Act, By ii. A. A'Beckct. 3 Mak', 

2 iemale characters. 

19. My Precious Betsy. A Farce in 

One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 Slale, 
4 Fcmalu characters. 

20. My Ti'.rn IVext. A Farce in One Act. 

By T. J. AVilliams. 4 Male, 3 Fe- 
male cliu-.'^i -tcrs. 

21. Nine Poifti * of the Law, A Com- 

edy in Ouo Act, By Tom Taylor. 
4 Male, 8 lemale characters. 

22. The Phantom Breakfast. A 

Farce in One Act. By Charles Sel- 
by. 3 Male, 2 P'emale characters. 

23. Bandelions Bodges. A Farce in 

One AcL IW T. J. Williams. 4 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

24. A Slice of t-uch, A Farce in One 

Act. rv J, M, Morton. 4 Male, 2 
Female c>h;acters. 

25. Always Intended. A Comedy in 

One Act. }iy Horace Wig-an. 3 
]\Iale 3 Femaie characters. 
2G. A Bull in a China Shop. A Com- 
edy in Two Acts. By Charles Slut- 
thews. G Male, 4 Peuiale characters. 

27. Another Glass. A Drama in One 

Act. By Thomas Morton. Male, 

3 Female characters. 

28. BoAvled Out, A Farce in One Act. 

By 11. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female 
characters. ; 

29. Cousin Tom. A Commedietta in 

One Act. By George Boberts. 3 
3Iale, 2 Female characters. 

30. Sarah's Young Man. A Farce in 

One Acf. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 
3 Fcmak- characters. 

31. Hit Him, He has IVo Friends. 

A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates 
and N. II, Harrington. 7 Male, 3 
Female characters. 
3?- The Christening. A Farce in One 
Act, By J, B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 
«5 Female cliaracters. 

33. A Race for a ■Widow\ A Farce 

in One Act, By Tliomas J. AVil- 
liams. 5 Male, 4 Female characlcrs, 

34. Your Ijife's in Banger, A Farce 

in One Act, By J.M. Morton. 3 
Male, 3 Female characters. 

35. True unto Beath. A Drama in 

Two Acts, By .1, Sheridan Knowles. 
G Male, 2 Femalu characters. 



i ^C>Q^C/C^0 ' ^O ' C.0OOCOCO'COLJCtx£ ' C^O€CQOOCOOOQ€COo£)L 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 



BY TirE AUTHOP- OF 

Syl-via's Soldier; '* "Once on a Time;" "Down by the Sea; " "Broad on ilia 

Waters;" " The' Last Loaf;" "t>lana by tlie Flaj,';"" ^'Tlio Templcr;'" "A 

Drop 'i'oo Much;" "We're All Toct<»tallor.s;" "A Little More Cider; " 

"Thirty Minutes for Ilefrcsliments;" "«''antc<l, a Male Cock;" "A 

Sea of Troubles;" "Freedom of the Press;" "A Close Shave;" 

" The Great EJixir;'" " Tli* Man wiili the I>emiJoliii ;" *' New 

Brooms Swei-p Cican;" " lluniors of the Strike;" *'My 

Uncle th\i CaiJlain;" "Tlio Greatest Plague in Life;"''' 

*' No Cure, No Pay ;'' **Tiie Grecian P>end ;" " The 

War of the lioses^" *' LiglithearfR Pilgriinagc ;" 

"The Senif,tor''s Triumph;" "Too Late for 

the Ti-ain; " " Sriow - Boand -, '" "The 

Peddler of Very Xiec ; " " Bonbons ; " 

"Oapuletta;" "An Original , 

Idea;" &Ji. 



fjtJ^y:.. y^o^ Co>> 



copvr 

187 o . , 



BOSTON! 
GEO. M. BAKER & CO. 

149 Washington Street. 



^CK 






Entered, according: to Aet of Confess, in the year 1873, 

By GEORGE M. BAKER, 

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



Stereotyped at the Jroston Stereotyjpe Foundry, 
19 Spring Lane. 



SEEING THE ELEPHAN'p, 



characters: , 

Silas Somerby, a Farmer, occasionally addicted to the 

bottle. 
Harry H olden, his right-hand Man. 
Bias Black, a Teamster. 
Pat Murphy, a Laborer. 
Johnny Somerby, Silas's Son. 
Rachel Somerby, his Wife. 
Sally Somerby, his Daughter. 



COSTUMES. 

Silas, dark pants, short, thick boots, yellow vest, a towel 
pinned about his neck, gray wig, face lathered. 

Harry, gray pants, blue shirt, black neckkerchief, dark coat. 

Bias, thick boots, blue frock, woolly wig, black face, long whip. 

Pat Murphy, in shirt sleeves, blue overalls, cap, wig. 

Johnny, close-cut hair, pants of his father's, rolled up at bot- 
tom, drawn up very high with suspenders, thin coat, short and 
open, very broad brimmed straw hat. 

Rachel and Sally, neat calico dresses. 

Scene. — Boom in Somerby's Rouse. Old-fashioned 
sofa^ K. ; table^ C, laid for hreahfast. Harry seated 
R. of tahlc, eating ; rocking-chair^ R. c. Sally seated^ 
L., shelling peas or paring apples. Entrances^ R., L., 



and c. 



69 



70 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

Sally. {Singing.) 

" Roll on, silver moon, 

Guide the traveller his way, 
While the nightingale's song is in tuHe; 

For I never, never more 

With my true love shall stray 
By the sweet, silver light of the moon." 

Harry. Beautiful, beautiful ! " There's music in 
that air." Now take a fresh roll, and keep me company 
while I take another of your mother's delicious fresh 
rolls. 

Sally. Making the sixth you have devoured before 
my eyes ! 

Harry. Exactly. What a tribute to her cooking ! 
She's the best bred woman in the country. Her pies are 
miracles of skill ; her rolls are rolls of honor ; her golden 
butter is so sweet, it makes me sweet upon her. 

Sally. Well, I declare, Harry Holden, that's poetry ! 

, Harry. Is it ? Then hereafter call me the poet of the 

breakfast table. My lay shall be seconded with a fresh 

egg. 

Sally. Another? Land sakes ! you think of nothing 
but eating. 

Harry. Exactly, when I'm hungry. My hunger once 
appeased, I think of this good farm — the broad fields, 
mowing, haying, the well-fed cattle, and sometimes, when 
I am very hungry, I think of the time when I leaned 
over the fence, and gazed enchanted upon the pretty girl 
milking her cow — whose name was Sally. 

Sally. Eh — the cow? 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 71 

Harry. Now, Sally, dou't destroy the poetry of my 
laDj;ua;?e. 

Sally. Don't be ungrammatical, Harry ; and do stop 
talking nonsense. 

Harry. I will, for my breakfast is finished, and I can 
talk to you no longer. I'm off. {Sings.) 

*' For to reap and to sow, 
To plough and to mow, 
And to be a farmer's boy." 

{Rises.) Ah, I little dreamed, two years ago, when T 
was playing the fine gentleman at Squire Jordan's, — a 
city swell, up in the country here on a vacation, — that I 
should soon become a farmer. 

Sally. Are you sorry it is so, Harry? 

Harry. (Comes down, places a cricket beside Sally, 
and sits on it.) Sorry, you gypsy, when it has made a 
man of me? No. It has been my salvation. I have a 
fortune left me, and was in a fair -way of squandering it 
in all the vices of the city ; had acquired a taste for hot 
suppers, fine wines, gambling, and all sorts of dissipa- 
tion ; was on the high road to ruin, when some good 
angel sent me up here. I saw you, and was saved. 

Sally. And you are perfectly contented with your sit- 
uation ? 

Harry. Well, no, I'm not. In fact, I'm getting very 
much dissatisfied. 

Sally. Not with me, Harry ? 

Harry. With you? Bless your dear little heart! 
you're the only satisfaction I have. When I asked the 
old gentleman — your father — to give you to me, two 



72 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

years ago, he said, " No, yonng man. Though I've no 
doubt you love my Sally, you've got too much money. 
You never worked a day in your life. Suppose your 
•wealth should take to itself wings some day, what's to 
become of her? She shall be a farmer's wife, or die an 
old maid. You say you would die for her. Go to work, 
learn to run a farm, bring out your muscle, get some color 
in that pale face, get rid of your vices, and then, if your 
money goes, you've the power to earn a living, and a 
smart wife to help you." 

Sally. That's just what he said, and 'twas good ad- 
vice. 

Harry. It was, though I did not think so at the time. 
But I took it, hired out to him, and now thank my good 
fortune for the copy he set me. 

Sally. And everybody says there's not a more likely 
farmer in the neighborhood than you. 

Harry. Much obliged to everybody. But, Sally, I 
think your father is a little selfish. 

Sally. Don't abuse father. He's the most generous 
man — 

Harry. I know. But I've grown valuable to him. 
And now, when I ask him to let me marry you, he " hems" 
and " haws," and says, '' Don't be in a hurry. Have 
patience." He knows that the moment you are my wife, 
I shall pack up and be off; and that's what's the matter. 

Sally. It will all come right one of these days. 

Harry. I suppose it will. But it don't come right 
now. I tell you, Sally, I'm going to have an answer this 
very day, or to-morrow I'm off. 

Sally. Off? And leave me ? 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 73 

Harry, O, no. Take you with me. You love me — 
don't you, Sally ? 

Sally. You know I do, Harry. 

Harry. Then marry me. I'll make you the happiest 
woman in the world. I'll carry you to an elegant home, 
and scatter money in every direction, to bring around you 
luxuries and enjoyments. 

Sally. No, Harry ; I could enjoy nothing, leaving my 
father without his couscnt. I have always tried to be a 
good daughter. He would be very angry, should I dis- 
obey him, and no good fortune would follow me. No, 
Harry. Be patient. There's a good time coming. 

Harry. Yes, it's always coming. But I shall ask his 
consent to-day. 

Sally. Do, Harry. I hope he'll say yes, for you de- 
serve it. {Puts her arm about his neck.) 

Harry. And you deserve the best husband in the 
world, you gypsy. {Puts his arm round her waist, and 
kisses her.) 

Enter Johnny, c. *. 

Johnny. Christopher Columbus ! O, hokey ! (Sallt 
and Harry jump up.) Did you hear it? 

Sally. Hear what? Why don't you frighten a body 
to death, and have done with it ! 

Johnny. Somebody fired off something close to my 
head. Blunderbuss, I guess. Did it hit you, Sally? 

Sally. I didu't hear auything. 

Johnny. Didn't you feel it? Must have hit yer right 
in the mouth. It's awful red ! 



74 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

Harry. Come, Johnny, there's enough of that. I don't 
like it. 

Johnrty. Don't you, though? Thought you did. 
Seemed to take to it uat'ral nufF. Where's dad ? 

Sally. He is not up yet. {Sits and resumes her work, 
Harry goes to chair, back, and takes up his hat.) 

Johnny. Guess he's kinder sleepy after his jaunt to 
the city yesterday. Guess the coppers are hot ! O, won't 
he catch it? 

Harry. Why, what's the matter? 

Johnny. Matter? Say, thought you was goin' down 
with me arter that woodchuck this mornin'. Don't see 
what a feller wants to fool away his time here with a gal 
for, when there's a woodchuek to be got so handy. 

Enter Mrs. Somerby, l. 

Mrs. S. I'll woodchuck yer ! (Taking him hy the 
ear.) What d' ye mean by keeping out er the way all the 
morning — hey ? 

Johnny. O ! Quit, now ! You hurt ! 

Mrs. S. Hope I do. You jest stir, out er this room 
till I've done with yer, if you dare ! (Sits in rocking- 
chair, and rocks violently.) Sakes alive ! It's enough to 
drive one ravin' distracted ! There's yer father sleeping 
like a log, and it's arter eight o'clock ! Where did you 
two critters go yesterday — hey? 

Johnny. Went to the city, of course. 

.Mrs. S. Yes, yer did go to the city with a load of live 
and dead stuff; and there's that man in there, with not a 
cent in his pocket to show for it. He'd a never got home 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 75 

at all if the brute iu the shafts hadn't known more than 
the brute in the wagon. Drunk clean tlirough ! 

Harry. What ! Has Mr. Somerbv had another 
spree ? 

Mrs. S. I should think lie had ! They come thicker 
and thicker. — You young one! you speak up, and tell 
me what you know 'bout it, quick ! 

Johnny. Well, all 1 know, dad an' I went to market. 
He sold off everything, and then sent rae down to Scud- 
der's to git a new rake, and over to Jinks's for some 
sugar, and round to Stevens's to borry a screw-driver, cos 
something got loose. 

Ilrs. S. Somethin' got loose ! I should think so ! 

Johnny. Said he'd wait till I come back. When I 
got back, he hadn't waited ; so I went tearin' round arter 
him. Man in a white hat said he saw him goin' down 
onto the wharf to see the elephant ; so I went down. Big 
crowd down there. They was a auctioneering off a lot 
of animals. Lion, tiger, and monkeys — Jemimy ! — by 
the dozen. Purty soon I spied dad. He was sprung. 

3Irs. S. Sprung? For the land sakes ! what's that? 
Not overboard ? 

Johnny, Sprung — over the bay. 

Mrs. S. Over the bay ? Thought he \vas on the wharf. 
Now, don't yer lie, you young one ! 

Harry. He means he was in liquor. 

Mrs. S. More likely liquor in him. Why don't you say 
he was drunk, and have done with it? 

Johnny. Well, he was pretty full ; and when I got 
there, he was leauin' up agin a hogshead, and biddin* on 
an elephant. 



76 SEEING THE ELEPifANT. 

3Trs. S. On au elephant ! Why, he might have broke 
his neck ! 

Johnny. 0, fush ! He was a biddin' for the elephant. 
He offered a hundred dollars. But I didn't see it ; so I 
jest took a hold er him, h'isted him inter the wagon, and 
drove back to Stevens's. When I come out, the wagon 
and dad were out of sight, and I had to foot it ten miles. 
So I jest crept inter the barn when I got here, and had a 
snooze on the hay. 

Mrs. S. Dear me ! what capers ! Two or three times 
a year he has these sprees, and they cost a mint of money. 
There was apples and cider, hens and chickens, eggs and 
butter, all gone. Dear me, what will become of us ? If 
there's anything in this world I detest, it's a toper ! 

\_Exit., L. 

Solly. Poor mother, she's in a fever of excitement. 
I'll try and get her to lie down. [_Exit^ l. 

Johmiy. I say, Mr. Holden, it's purty hard sleddin* 
for marm — ain't it ? 

Harry. It is, indeed, Johnny ; and don't you make it 
any harder for her. Never touch a drop of liquor. 

Johnny. 0, don't you fret about me. I feel bad 
enough to see dad on these times. I'm a purty rough 
boy, but it does make me feel mean to see dad, who's 
such a smart old gent when he's sober, let himself out in 
this way. I've never touched a drop of liquor, and you 
can bet your life I never will. 

Harry. That's right, Johnny. Drinking is the mean- 
est kind of enjoyment, and the dearest, too. I'm going 
to try and reform the old gentleman. 

Johnny. Are you? A¥ell, you've got a big job. 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 77 

, Harry. Perhaps not. His bidding for the elephant 
has ^i:;iveu me an idea. 

Johnny. It gave me an idea he Avas purty far gone. 

Harry. Yes. We will make him believe he bought 
the elephant. 

Johnny. What good will that do? 

Harry. I think we'll turn the animal into a temper- 
ance lecturer. Come with me. Let's see your mother 
jtnd Sally, and arrange matters before your father ap- 
pears. 

Johnny. Yes. But I want ter go after the wood- 
chuck. 

jf Harry. Never mind him now. We've got bigger 
game — the elephant. \_Exit^ l. 

Enter, slowly^ R., SiLAS, with a razor in his hand. 

Silas. I'm in an awful state. My hand shakes so I 
can't shave ; my throat is all on fire, my head splitting, 
and I feel mean enough to steal. Wonder how I got 
home ! Guess I've been and made a fool of myself. I 
ain't got a copper in my pocket ; and I know vyhen I sold 
out I had over a hundred dollars in my wallet. ( Takes 
out loallet.) Looks now as though an elephant had 
stepped on it. An elephant? Seems to me I saw one 
yesterday in teown. Jest remember biddin' for him at 
auction. Lucky I didn't buy him. 'Twas that plaguy 
•* Ottawa beer " set me goin'. Well, I s'pose I shall catch 
it fiom the old lady. But it's none of her business, 
"i'was my sarse and my live stock, and I've a right to da 
j.bt what I please with it. 



78 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

Enter Mrs. Somerby, l. 

3Irs. S. Silas Somerby ! are yon a man, or are you 
a monster? 

Silas. Hey? Ha, ha ! Yes, I don't, look very spruce, 
that's a fact. The water was cold, and the razor dull, 
and — and — 

3Irs. S, And your hand shakes so you can't shave. 
O, Silas, Silas ! At your time of life ! I blush for you ! 

Silas. O, bother, now ! What are you frettin' 'bout? 
I ain't killed anybody, or robbed anybody's house — 
have I? 

3Irs. S. You've done somethin' as bad. You've beep 
on a spree, and squandered every cent you had in your 
pocket. 

Silas. S'pose I did? Ain't a hard-working man a 
right to eojoy himself once in a while, I'd like to know? 
Now you jest shet up ! I'm the master of this farm, 
and if I choose to show a liberal spirit once in a wliile, 
and help along trade by spreading a little cash about, it 
ain't for you to holler and " blush — " 

3Irs. S. Silas Somerby ! 

Silas. Shet up ! if you don't, I'll harness up old Jack, 
and clear out. 

3Irs. S. For another spree? O, you wretch! ain't 
you ashamed of yourself, to set sich an example to the 
young uns? And that critter you sent home! Do you 
Avaut us to be devoured? 

Silas. Critter! critter! What critter? 

3Irs. S. O, you know well enough ; and I guess you'll 
fiQd you've made a poor bargain this time. I always told 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 79 

yon rum would be your ruin ; and if you don't see the 
poorhouse staring you in the face afore nigh:, I'm very 
much mistaken. 

Enter Harry, l. 

Silas. What on airth are yer talking about ? Are yer 
crazy, or have yer been driokiug? 

Harry. ( Comes down between them.) Husli ! not a 
word ! We must not let anybody know you are in the 

house ! 

# 

Silas. Hey ! what ails 7jou ? Got a touch of the old 
lady's complaint? 

Harry. Hush! Not so loud ! We must be cautious. 
Sheriff Brown is looking for you ; but I've put him off' 
the scent. 

Silas. Then oblige me by putting me on it. What's 
the matter? Why is the sheriff looking for me? 

Harry. Hush ! Not so loud ! It's all about him. 
{Pointing over his left shoulder.) 

Silas. Him ! him ! Consarn his picter ! who is him ? 

Harry. Hush ! Not so loud ! I've got him locked 
up in the barn. He got into tlie melon beds ; they're 
gone : then into the encumbers ; he's pickled them all. 
But I've got him safe now. 

Elder JoPlNNY, L. 

Johnny. By Jinks ! the critter's hauled the sleigh 
down from the rafters ; broke it all to smash ! 



80 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

Enter Sally, l. 

Sally. O, mother, he's stepped into your tub of eggs, 
and there ain't a whole one left. 

3Irs. S. I told you so. O. Silas, how could you? 

Silas. Are you all crazy? Who has trampled the 
melons? Who has pickled the cucumbers? AYho has 
smashed the sleigh? And who has sucked the eggs? I 
pause for a reply. 

All. {In chorus.) Your elephant ! 

Silas. My elephant? My elephant? Pooh! Non- 
sense ! I don't own any such critter. 

Johnny. Say, dad, have yer forgotten the auction yes- 
terday — the tiger, and the monkey, and the elephant? 

Silas. What? Stop ! O, my head ! . It must be so. 
Did I buy that elephant? 

Harry. He is in the barn, Mr. Somerby. 

Silas. I'm a ruined man ! (Sinks into chair l. of ta- 
ble.) Is he alive ? 

3Irs, S. He ought to be, with half a ton of hay in- 
side him. 

Silas. O, my bay ! my hay! 

Johnny. And a barrel of turnips. 

Silas. 0, ruin ! ruin*!' 

Sally. And a whole basket of carrots. 

Silas. I'll shoot him ! I'll shoot hiui ! 

Johnny. That's easier said than done, dad. Them 
critters die hard ; and we ain't got the cannon to bombard 
him with. 

Harry. Come, Johnny, let's look after him. I'm 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 



81 



afraid he will get into more mischief. Will you have a 
look at him, Mr. Soraerbj? 

SUas. Look at him ? Never ! Find me a way to get 
rid of hin^, quick ! 

Ilarnj. That's not such an easy matter. Nobody 
would take the gift of him ; aud nobody but a€ool would 

buv him. 

Mrs. S. That's a fact. O, my eggs ! my eggs ! Eighty 
dozen, all ready for market ! 

Salhj. Law sakes ! that elephant has made me forget ^ 
the breakfast ihiugs, {Clears aivay the table, carnjing 
things off^ L.) ^ 

Ilarrij. I suppose you want him to have pleuty of 

hay ? 

Silas. {Fiercely.) Feed him till he splits, or dies of 
indigestion! \_Exit I'iP.mix./L. 

Johnny. Say, dad, he'll be grand, if we can only put 
him to the plough. 

Silas. - {fiercely.) Clear out, yer jackanapes ! , 

\_Exit Johnny, l. 
Mrs. S. I'll go and look after the poultry. If he gets 
in among 'em, good by to Thanksgiving. It's all rigiit, 
Silas. It's a pretty big critter to have about; but it 
shoAfs '' a liberal spirit " —don't it? ^Exit, l. 

Silas. Shut up ! Clear out ! — Wal, I guess I brought 
home a-pretty big load last night, accordin' to the looks 
of things. Now, Nvhat on airth set me on to buy that 
clephanl ? Must have been- the Ottawa beer. What on 
airth shall I do with him? He'll eat us out of house and 
home. If I kill him, there's an end of it. .No, the be- 
"innin, for we'd have to dig up the whole farm to bury 



82 SEEING THE ELEFHANT. 

him. But he must be got rid of somehow. O, Somerby, 
you've a long row to hoe here ! 

Enter Harry, l.' 

Harry. Now, sir, let us look this matter calmly in the 
face. {Sits R. of table.) 

Silas. What matter? 

Harry. Well, suppose we call it " consequential dam- 
ages." ■ 

Silas. Call it what you like. It's a big critter, and 
should have a big name. 

•Harry. You don't uuderstand me. I told you Sheriff 
Brown was lookiug for you. There are about a dozen 
complaints lodged against you already. This is likely to 
be a costly affair. 

Silas. Sheriif Brown — complaints — costly affair I 
Why, what do you mean ? Isn't it bad enough to be 
caught with an elephant on your hands? 

Harry. Well, your elephant, not being acquainted in 
this part of the country, got out of the road a little in 
travelling towards his present quarters. For instance, he 
walked into Squire Brown's fence, and carried away about 
a rod of it. ^ 

Silas. You don't mean it ! 

Harry. And, iu endeavoring to get back to the road, 
walked through his glass house, and broke some glass. 

Silas. Goodness gracious ! 

Harry. Mr. Benson's flower garden, being near the 
road, was hastily visited by his highness, and a few of 
the rare plants will flourish no more. 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 83 

Silas. O, ray head ! Is that all? 

Harry. ■ No, for Mrs. Carter was on the road with 
her span. On the. appearance of the great hay-eater, one 
of the horses dropped dead. 

Silas. O, ruin, ruin ! Why didn't the elephant keep 
him company ? 

Harry. These parties have made complaint, and will 
sue you for damages. There are other disasters connected 
with the entry of your pet — 

Silas. Don't mention 'em. Don't speak of any more. 
There's enough now to ruin me. Broken fences, smashed 
hot-houses, ruiued flower beds, and a dead horse ! 

Harry. Consequential damages. 

Silas. Consequential humbugs ! I am the victim of 
a conspiracy. I don't own an elephant. I won't own 
him. I never bought him. He's escaped from a me- 
nagerie. Why should I buy an elephaut? 

Harry. That won't do, Mr. Somerby. You were 
seen at the auction ; you were heard to bid for the auimal. 
I'm afraid you will have to suffer. 

Silas. I won't pay a cent. They may drag me to 
jail, torture me with cold baths and hot irons ; but ndt a 
cent will I pay for the capers of that elephant. 

Enter Bias Black, l. 

Bias. Hay! What's dat? Am yer gwine to 'pudi- 
ate, Massa Somebody? Gwine back on de ber — ber — 
bullephant — am yer? 

Silas. What's the matter with you. Bias Black? 

Bias. Wal, I speck a heap, Massa Somebody, Dat 



84 SEEING THE ELEPIiANT. 

ar bnllephant of yoiira has driben clis indervlderal inter 
bankrnpturicy. Dar's been a reg'lar smash up ob his 
commercial crisis, and de wabes ob affliction are rollin' 
into dis yer bussom. 

Silas. Now, yeou black imp, talk English, or walk 
Spanish, quick ! What do yeou want? 

Bias. Want damages, heavy damages ; dat's what I 
want, Massa Somebody. 

Silas. Damages for Avhat? 

Bias. Wal, hold yer hush, an' I'll tell yer. Las' night 
I was gwine along de road, see, wid my boss and wagon 
chock full, an' ole Missey Pearson sittin' alongside ob me 
— picked her up in de road. Pore ole lady! Guess she 
won't ax any more rides ! An' jes' when I got by Square 
Jones's door, den dar was an airthquake, by golly ! Some- 
thin' took right hole ob de tail-board. Felt somethin* 
h'ist. Kuowed 'twas a shock ; and de nex' ting I knowed, 
I was up in a tree ! Missey Pearson was h'isted onto de 
fence, an' dat ar bnllephant was a chasin' dat ar boss 
ober de wagon, an' a trampiu' round an' chawin' up things 
fine, 1 tell yer. Golly ! such a mess ! Dat's what de 
master. Lost eberyting. Wouldn't a taken sebenty-five 
dollars for dat ar wagon. An' dat ole lady, guess she's 
shook all to pieces. 

Silas. And you expect me to pay for this ! 

Bias. Ob course, ob course. If old gents will sow 
dar wild oats wid bullephants, dey must expect to pay 
for de thrashin'. ' Sebenty-five dollars tor de wagon, six- 
ty-seben dollars and ninepeuce for de goods, an' about 
fifty dollars for de scare to dat pore ole boss. I'll trow 
de ole lady in. 



y 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 85 

Silas. I'll throw yeou iuter the horse-pond, yeou black 
imp ! Not a dollar will yeou, get from me. 

Bias. Hey! You won't pay ? .Den I'll hab de law. 
Yes, sir^ I'll hab a jury set onto you, an' — ; an' — an* — 
a judge, and two or three habus corpuses. You can't 
fool dis chile. Dar want no muzzle on de bullephant, au' 
it's agin de law. 

Silas. Well, go to law. I shan't pay a cent. 

Enter Pat Murphy, l. 

Pat. Where's the kaper of the brute, I'd like to know? 
Where's the hathin that sinds wild bastes a rarin' an' a 
tarin' into the paceful quarthers of the glpbe? 

Silas. What's the matter with yeou, Pat Murphy? 

Fat. Aha, owld gint, 'tis there ye are. It's a mighty 
foine scrape yer in this time, wid yer drinkin' an' rol- 
lickin'. 

Silas. Come, come, Pat Murphy, keep a civil tongue 
in your head. 

Fat. O, blarney ! It's an ondacent man ye are, by 
me sowl ! Wasn't I sittin' on my own doorstep last night, 
a smokin' my pipe genteelly, wid de childers innercently 
amusin' theirselves a throwin' brickbats at one another, 
an' Biddy a washin' in the yard (as beautiful a picture 
of domestic felicity as ye don't often say), when an 
oogly black snout kira over the fence, an', afore ye could 
spake, away wiut the fence, an' away wint Biddy into the 
tub, an' the childers into the pig-pen, an' mesilf ilevated 
to the top of the woodshed by that same oogly black 
baste ! 



86 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

Harry. Ah, the elephant on another frolic ! 

Pat. Frolic — is it? Bedad, it must be paid for, ony 
how. An' so, owldgint, I'll jist throiible yez for the 
damages — to mesilf, a broken constitution, .^ddy, a 
wake's washin' intirely spoiled, and the childers, bliss 
their dirthy faces ! for a scare, an' the fright to the pig, 
an' the broken fence. Come down, owld gint. Them as 
jig must pay the piper. 

Bias. Das a fac', das a fac'. Down wid de dust, ole 
gint, for de dust dat ar bullephant kicked up. 

• Silas. Never ! Not a cent ! Get out of my house ! 
You're a pair of knaves. There is no elephant about 
here. It's all a lie. I won't be swindled. -Get out, I 
say ! 

Pat. Knave ! Look to yersilf, owld gint. It's not 
daceat for the likes of yez to call names. A lie ? Troth, 
I'll jist bring Biddy and the childer to tistify to the truth 
— so I will. 

Silas. Shut up ! Clear out ! If you want damages, 
you can have them. I'm getting my dander up, and shall 
sartinly damage both of" yer. 

Bias. Don't you do it, don't you do it. De law will 
fix you, old gent. 

Pat. Begorra, I'll spind me intire fortune, but I'll 
have justice. 

Silas. Are you going? 

Pat. To a lawyer, straight. I blush for yez, owld 
gint, I blush for yez. [Exit, L. 

Bias. Dat ar wagon, and dat ar boss, and dem ar 
goods, and de ole lady must be repaired. So de law 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 87 

will tell yez, Massa Somebody. Das a fac*, das a 
fac'. lExit, L. 

Harry. This looks like a serious business, Mr. Som- 
erby. 

Silas. Confound it, so it does ! What can I do ? Must 
I pay all these damages ? 

Harry. I sec no way for you to escape. 

Silas. What a fool I have been ! For a few hours' 
fun- I've got myself into this scrape. Why, 'twill ruin 
me. I can never raise the money. 

Harry. O, yes, you can, Mr. Somerby. I have plenty. 
You'd better settle this matter at once, and draw on me 
freely ibr money. 

Silas. Draw on you? What right havfi I to do that? 

Harry. Give your consent to ray marriage with Sally, 
and I shall consider you have the right. More, I will 
hunt up these claims, and settle them at once. 

Silas. Will you? You're a splendid fellow ! Help 
me out, if you can ; and, if I can get rid of that ele- 
phant — 

Harry. On one condition I will take him off your 
hands. 

Silas. Take him off my hands ? Name your condition. 

Harry. That you will give me your solemn promise 
never to touch liquor again. 

Silas. What ! Give up my freedom ? 

Harry. No ; be free. You are now the slave of an 
old custom, " more honored in the breach than the ob- 
servance." Don't let it master you again. Don't let my 
wife blush for her father. 

Silas. I won't ! There's my hand. Sally is yours ; 



88 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

and I solemnly promise never to break (^smash of crock- 
ery, Ij.) — Hullo! What's that? 

3Irs. S. {Outside, l.) O, the monster! Drive him 
out! 

Sally. (Outside, l.) He won't go. Run, mother, 
run! (Crash.) 

3Irs. S. (Outside,!,.) He's sp'ilt my best dishes ! O, 
the beast ! (Enter, l.) O, Silas, this is all your work. 
That hateful critter's got into the kitchen. 

Unter Sally, l. 

Sally. O, mother ! Harry ! father ! He's coming 
this way ! Save us, save us ! (Gets under table.) 
' Mrs. S. Goodness gracious 1 he'll set the house afire! 
(Gets behind sofa.) 

Enter Johnny, l. 

Johnny. Help ! murder ! O, I've had a h'ist ! He's 
breaking up housekeeping — you bet ! 

Harry. Be calm, be calm. There's no danger. 

Mrs. S. We shall all be eaten alive. O, the monster I 

Silas. Confouud him, I'll pepper him ! Let me get 
my guQ ! (Going, r.) 

Harry. No, no. 'Twould be dangerous to shoot. 

Johnny. Let him have a dose, dad. 

Harry. No, no. Silence ! He's here I 

Enter, l., Pat and Bias, as the elephant. [^For description 
of its manufacture, see note' on page 92.] It enters 
slowly, passes across stage at back, and exit, R. 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. S\f 

3frs. S. O, the monster ! 

Sally. He's gone straight into the parlor. He'll 
smash everything. O, my vases, my vases ! 

Silas. (Aside.) Confound the critter, I'll have one 
shot at him. \_Exit, r. 

Barry. {To Sally.) It's all right, Sally. I've got 
his promise. 

Sally. And Ave shall be married ! Ain't it jolly? 

Mrs. S. But how on airth are you going to git out of 
this scrape ? 

Harry. Leave that to me. Hush ! he's here. 

Enter Silas, r., luitli gun. 

Silas. I've had jest about enough of that air critter's 
society ; and if I don't pepper him, my name's not Silas 
Somerby. 

Harry. A gun ! {Aside.) This will never do. 
{Aloud.) Mr. Somerby, your life's in danger if you fire 
that gun. 

Silas. My dander's up, and I'm goin' in. 

Mrs. S. Silas, don't you shoot off that gun. I can't 
bear it. 

Sally. No, no, father ; you must not. 

Johnny. Don't mind 'em, dad ; blaze away. {Aside.) 
By jinks, that'll be fim ! {They all come forward.) 

Silas. I'm going to have a shot at the critter, if I die 
for it. Here he comes again. {Raises gun.) 

Mrs. S. Mercy sakes, Silas, you'll kill somebody ! 

Harry. You must not shoot, I tell you ! 



90 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

Sally, 0, father, don't ! Please don't ! {They all seize 
him.) 

Johnny. Blaze away, dad ! Give him fits ! 

Silas, [BreaJdng away from them.) Stand back, I 
say. {Raises gun.) 

Enter the elephant^ R. 

Silas. There, darn you ! {Fires, Sally and Mrs, 
S. scream.) 

Fat. O, raurther, murther ! I'm kilt intirely ! 

Bias. Oo, 00, oo ! I'm a gone darky! {The ele- 
phant falls, rolls' over, and from the debris Bias and Pat 
emerge, looking very much frightened.) 

Fat, {Shaking his fist at Silas.) More damages, 
be jabers ! ( To Harry.) I didn't bargain for this at all. 

Bias. Look — look er here, old gent ; I ain't game, no 
how. Golly ! I'm full ob lead ! 

Silas. What's this? Have I been duped? 

Johnny. Sold again, dad. 

Silas. So, so, you've been conspiring against me. 
There's no damages, and no elephant. This is your work, 
Harry Holdeu. 

Harry. It is, Mr. Somerby. I freely confess my sin. 
But I did it for a good purpose. 'Tis true there is no 
elephant, save the imitation I have manufactured for the 
occasion ; but please remember we came very near having 
one. 

Johnny. Yes, dad, you bid a hundred dollars. 

Silas. I breathe again. You're right. All this might 



SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 91 

have been true, had my folly had its way. Thanks to 
Johnny, I was saved. But you carried the joke a little 
too far. That gun was loaded. 

Johmy. Only with powder. I left a charge in it last 
Fourth, for the blamed thing kicked so I was afraid of it. 

Silas. It's all right, Sally is yours, Harry, and I'll 
keep my other promise. I suppose these gentlemen were 
hired for the occasion. 

Fat. By me sowl, not to be peppered at all, at all. 

Bias. By golly, dat ar charge almost took away my 
head. 

Harry. So, boys, you got a little more than you bar- 
gained for ; but I'll fix that all right. 

Silas. I'll pay all damages there, glad to get off so 
easily in my adventure with the elephant. I've one re- 
quest to make. Don't let this story spread. 

Harry. You can rely upon my silence. 

3Irs. S. Marcy sakes, Silas, it ain't much to boast on ! 

Sally. It shall be a family legend. 

Fat. Be jabers, I wpuldn't blab till I was deaf and 
dumb ! 

Bias. Dis yer pusson can hold his hush. 

Silas. Thank you. And you (to audience)^ can I de- 
pend upon you? The old man begins late, but he is 
bound to reform ; and, if you but give your approbation, 
there is no fear of his backsliding. 

Johnny. I say, dad, hadn't you better put a postscript 
to that? 

Silas. Well, what is — (Johnny whispers to him.) 
Exactly. There is no fear of his backsliding, unless, at 



92 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. 

your request, he should some time set out for the purpose 
of " Seeing the Elephant." 



Note. The Elephant. For this trick a well-known comical 
diversion can be introduced. Bias and Pat personate the ele- 
phant; one represents the fore, the other the hind legs. The 
two characters bend over, placing themselves one behind the 
other, as represented in the engraving. A blanket, doubled three 
or four times, is placed on their backs, with the addition of long 
cushions, if handy; these serve to form the back of the elephant. 
Two blankets or shawls are placed over this, the end of one 
twisted to represent his trunk, the end of the other twisted to 
represent his tail. Two paper cones enact the tusks, and the 
elephant is complete. 



SPEHCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE, 



36. 



37. 



38. 



J5. 



■Ifi. 



48, 



51. 



I>iainoiitl cut l>iamond. An In- 
terlude in One Act. Hy W. H. Mur- 
ray. 10 Male, 1 Female character. 

Liook after Bro^vn. A Farce in 
One Act. liy Georg-e A. Stuart, 
M. D. (5 Male, 1 Female character. 

Monseigneur. A Drama in Three 
Acts. I'.y Tlioma.s Archer. 15 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

A very pleasant Evening. A 
Farce in One Act. IJy W. E. buter. 

3 Male characters. 

Brother Ben. A Farce in One 
Act. I'.y J. M, Morton. 3 Male, 3 
Female cluiracters. 

Only a Clod. A Comic Drama in 
One Act. I'y J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, 

1 Female character. 
Gaspartlo tlie Cliondolier. A 

Drama in Three Acts. By George 
Almar. 10 Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

Snnsliine tlirongli tlie Clouds. 
A Drama in One Act. l{y Sliny^sby 
Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female char- 
acters. 

Don't Judge by Appearances. 
A Farce in One Act. liy J. ^M. Mor- 
ton. 3 !Male, 2 Female characters. 

IVursey Cliick^veed. A Farce in 
One Act. J5y T. J. Williams. 4 
JIale, 2 Female characters. 

Mary Moo; or, ^Vl»icli shall I 
Marry? A Farce in One Act. By 
AV. E. Si'ter. 2 Male, 1 Female 
cliaructer. 

East IL.ynne. A Drama in Five 
Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters. 

The Hidden Hand. A Drama in 
Five Acts. By Kobert Jones. 10 
ilale, 7 Female characters. 

Sil verstone's ^Vager. A (ommcdi- 
ctta in One Act. Uy l{. \{. Andrews. 

4 ^lale, 3 Female characters. 
Dora. A Pastoral Drama in Three 

Acts, liy Cliarles Keade. 5 Male, 

2 Female ciiaracters. 

Blaitks and Prizes. A Farce in 
One Act. J?y De.xter Smith. 5 
jMaie, 2 Female characters. 

Old <jJoosel»erry. A Farce in One 
Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 
2 Female characters. 



53. 



54 



Bouquet. A Farce in One Act. 
Male, 3 Female characters. 



58. 



59. 



CO. 



r:. 



02. 



G3. 



64. 



05. 



00. 



07. 



08. 



09. 



Who's Who. A Farce in One Act. 
By T. .J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characters. 

d 

55. The ^Vife's Secret. A Play in ( i) 
1-ive Acts. By George W. Lovell. {) 
10 Male, 2 Female characters. ( j) 

50. The Babes in the IVood. A O 

Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom '-^ 
Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female charac- 
ters. 
57. Putkins : Heir to Castles in the 
Air. A Comic Drama ni One Act. 
By W. 1{. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Fe- 
male cliaracters. 

An X'gly Customer. A Farce in 
One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 
3 Male, 2 Female characters. 

Blue and Cherry. A Comedy in 
One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female charac- 
ters. 

A Boubtful Victory. A C< medy 
in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female char- (J) 
acters. ( ), 

The Scarlet l.etter. A Drama in () 
Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female cliar- ( h 
acters. ( j 

Which >vill have Ilim ? A Vau 
deville. 1 Male, 2 Female charac- (; 
ters. ( )) 

Madam is Abed. A Vaudeville in ( ^ 
(Jne Act. 2 Male, 2 Female charac- (^ 
ters. 

The Anonymous Kiss. A Vaude- 
ville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 

The Cleft Stick. A Comedy in 
'Jhree Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female char- 
acters. 

A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, 
and a Tailor. A Farce in One 
Act. 4 ^lale, 2 Female characters. 

Give a Bog a Bad JVame. A 
Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

Bamon and Pythias. A Farce. 
Male, 4 Female characters. 

A Husband to Order. A Sorio- 
Comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, (p 
3 Female characters. 
70. Payable on Bemand. A Domes- 
tic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1 
Female character. 



Price, 15 cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to 
CEO. rVI. BAKER & CO., 

149 WASHINGTOIf St., BOSTOS. .^flj 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 




015 785 410 



Author of " Amateur Dr 



Dr Amateur Theatricals. ^ 

By GEORGE M. BAKER. 



■xmas;' " The Mimic Srar/e." " The Social Stage,' 
'A Bakers Dozen," !)C. 

Titles in this Type »*re 'Xew Plays, 



The Drawing-room Stage, 



dhalias. 

In Three A cts. Cts. 

My Brother's Keeper. 5 male, 3 
female characters 15 

hi Two A cts. 
Among the Breakers. 6 male, 4 

female characters 15 

Svlvia's Soldier. 3 male, 2 female char- 
acters. . 15 

Once on a Time. 4 male, 2 female char- 
acters. . 15 

Down bv the Sea. 6 male, 3 female 
characters 15 

Bread on the Waters. 5 male,- 3 fe- 
male characters. 15 

The Last Loaf. 5 male, 3 female char- 
acters 15 

/« One A d. 
Stand BY THE Flag. 5 male characters. 15 
The Tempter. 3 male, i female charac. 15 

COMEDIES and FAUCES. 

The Boston I>ip. 4 male, 3 female 
characters 15 

The I>uchess of I>ublin. 6 male, 
4 female characters 15 

We'ke all Teetotalers. 4 male, 2 
female characters 15 

A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female 
characters 15 

Thirty Minutes for Refreshments. 
4 male, 3 female characters 15 

A Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male characters 15 

Male Characters Only. 
Oeutlemen of the Jury. 12 char. 15 
A Tender Attachment. 7 char. . . 15 
The Thief of Time. 6 char. ... 15 
The Hypochondriac. 5 char. . . 15 
A Public Benefactor. 6 char. . . 15 

The ICunaivays. 4 char 15 

Coals of Fire. 6 char 15 

Wanted, a Male Cook. 4 char. ... 15 
A Sea of Troubles. 8 char 15 



FARCES. 

Freedom of the Pres5. 8 char. . . . 

A Close Shave. 6 char. 

The Great Elixir. 9 char 

The Man with the Demijohn. 4chnr. 
Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . . . 
New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . . 
My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . . . 
Female Characters Only. 

The Red Chignon. 6 char 

Using the IVeed. 7 char 

A tiove of a Bonnet. 5 char. . . . 
A Precious Pickle. 6 char .... 
The Greatest Plague in Life. 8 cha 

No Cure, no Pay. 7 char 

The Grecian Bend. 7 char 

ALLEGORIES. 

A rranged for jSIusic and Tableaux. 
The Kevolt of the Bees. 9 female 
characters 

Lightheart's Pilgrimage. 8 femaL; 
characters 

The War of the Roses. 8 female char- 
acters 

The Sci!Lptor's Triumph, i male, 4 fe- 



male characters. 



MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 

The Seven Ages. A TabKau En- 
tertainment. Numerous male and fe- 
male characters 

Too Late for the Train. 2 male char- 
acters 

Snow bound ; or, Alonzo the Brave 
and t».e Fair Imogene. 3 male, i 
female character 

Bonbons; or. The Paint-King. 3 male, 
I female character 

The Pedler of Very Nice. 7 male 
characters 

An Original Idea, i male, 1 female 
character 

Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet 
Restored. 3 male, i female character. 



TEMPERANCE I'lECES, 

The L.\st Loaf. 5 male, 3 female characters 

The Tempter. 3 male, i female character 

We're all Teetotalers. 4 malf , 2 female characters -> >w 

A Drop too Much. 4 male, 2 female characters 15 ftf£ 

A Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 female characters ii; '^1^ 

The Man with the Demijohn. 4 characters 



'i^- 



Hollii 
P 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



015 785 410 



J 



Hollinger Corn. 



